Well, I guess it would appear to most onlookers that my life is mostly back to normal, considering I have not had any "eye drama" about which to blog for the last two months. In some ways this is true. I work full time. I drive my car. I am even taking another sewing class this month, and with the help of an automatic threader, I am threading my own needles. I am living my life the best I can, and I am thankful for the sight I still have.
Is my vision back to pre-RD surgery acuity? No way! This cataract is growing. I am thankful it cannot really be seen by others who look at me, but it is beginning to really obscure my left eye. I get headaches often, and covering my "bad eye" helps alleviate them immediately. Due to the poor coverage of my insurance, I am putting off the cataract surgery for as long as possible. I am engaged to be married in October, and my fiance's insurance will make this surgery much more affordable.
Besides, one of the scary potential side effects of a cataract surgery is a detached retina. I do not want to risk suffering that side effect before our wedding. As it is, five whole months after my vitrectomy and gas bubble surgery, my pupil is still not quite back to normal, but it is getting less noticable. If possible, I hope to avoid repeating that surgery and restarting the recovery process - at all, but especially before our wedding! I know it is vain, but I am not paying a professional photographer to capture my eye in a grusome condition. With five months to go until our wedding day, I am hopeful this RD surgery and aftermath will be undetectable in our wedding photos.
In general, I am trying to ignore the cataract and just live my life as though everything is normal. I wish I had the sharpness and contrast with my RD eye that I do my "normal" eye, and though I really cannot help thinking about that deficiency every single day, I rarely allow myself to dwell on it. Now, those thoughts are fleeting. They come when I feel a headache coming on or when I have to squint to see something, but generally, I have adapted well and get by without having to give it very much thought at all. Considering where I was five months ago, I have come a very long way!
Showing posts with label medical bills. Show all posts
Showing posts with label medical bills. Show all posts
Monday, April 18, 2011
Tuesday, February 1, 2011
Good news about billing!
As with most things in my life, my healthcare decisions cannot be approached as though money is no object. With regard to my doctor's recommendation yesterday to schedule more laser treatment for the lattice degeneration in my right eye, one of my first reactions was, "Well, how much is this gonna cost me?" That is, by no means, meant to be disrespectful to my doctor for his recommendation. Rather, it is a very practical question, considering I have a rather daunting balance due to Kaiser for the successful victrectomy and scleral buckle surgery that was performed on my left eye to correct the retinal detachment.
Not wanting to wreck the good news from yesterday, I waited until today to inquire about the cost of the laser treatment for my right eye. I am very pleased to report that my cost for this procedure will only be a simple co-pay! (Granted, my co-pays are pretty pricey at $40 per visit.) Since this is an outpatient procedure that can be done within a normal office visit, I will incur no additional costs beyond my ordinary co-pay. This is surprising but wonderful news!
It is troubling to me how my earliest reactions to this lattice degeneration were so heavily influenced by financial concerns, rather than healthcare concerns. Our bodies do not understand cash flow or debt, and they demand care, without regard to financial considerations. I am thankful Kaiser understands this and is allowing me to repay my surgery debt over time. It would be extra outstanding if my future care would not put me further into debt. However, with that said, precious sight is almost priceless, and I admit I am tightly wrapped around the proverbial finger of my very demanding eyes. While money is very much "an object" in my life, I cannot let it wholly influence my healthcare decisions. Fortunately, this time I do not have to worry about it at all. This is a great relief - and a great blessing!
Not wanting to wreck the good news from yesterday, I waited until today to inquire about the cost of the laser treatment for my right eye. I am very pleased to report that my cost for this procedure will only be a simple co-pay! (Granted, my co-pays are pretty pricey at $40 per visit.) Since this is an outpatient procedure that can be done within a normal office visit, I will incur no additional costs beyond my ordinary co-pay. This is surprising but wonderful news!
It is troubling to me how my earliest reactions to this lattice degeneration were so heavily influenced by financial concerns, rather than healthcare concerns. Our bodies do not understand cash flow or debt, and they demand care, without regard to financial considerations. I am thankful Kaiser understands this and is allowing me to repay my surgery debt over time. It would be extra outstanding if my future care would not put me further into debt. However, with that said, precious sight is almost priceless, and I admit I am tightly wrapped around the proverbial finger of my very demanding eyes. While money is very much "an object" in my life, I cannot let it wholly influence my healthcare decisions. Fortunately, this time I do not have to worry about it at all. This is a great relief - and a great blessing!
Monday, January 31, 2011
Doc said, "99.9%!"
I had a follow up appointment with my retina surgeon this afternoon, and I spent all weekend anxious and obsessing over what the "flashes" I started noticing recently meant. They seem to occur only when my eyes are closed and only in a dark room. Still, I assumed the worst, and I braced myself for bad news. I never lost my sense of hope and continued to pray, but I had this nagging pit of doom in my gut.
Happily, I can report that my "gut" was wrong this time! My doctor ordered an imaging procedure for both eyes to thoroughly evaluate and record my condition. He said my surgery eye looks very good, and he even said that he was "99.9%" sure that my retina will not detach from that eye again - yes, 99.9%! Wow! This is absolutely WONDERFUL news! Of course, I am left with a cataract for which the surgery to remove it would be considered "elective," but considering where I was two months ago, a cataract is nothing over which to fret!
Tempering the excellent news, of course, was the unexpected. My right eye, which I consider my "good eye," needs a little patch job (my words, not my surgeon's) for more lattice degeneration. Fortunately, this is a procedure that can be done in the clinic, so I will not need to be admitted to the hospital. I am also supposed to be able to go back to work the next day. Obviously, this is immeasurably easier than the vitrectomy I endured for my left eye, so I should be happy. If this treatment will prevent a detached retina in my right eye, of course that would be wonderful. I just had hoped not to need any procedures for my "good eye." However, I shall not be greedy. I shall dutifully report back in two weeks for the laser procedure, and I will follow any instructions given to me. I don't fool around with my vision.
So, my next steps are:
1. Laser treatment to right eye for lattice degeneration.
2. Meeting with cornea specialist about my cataract "options" for my left eye.
3. Figure out what all this will cost me through my high deductible insurance plan.
Sadly, it's the latter that troubles me the most. The cost of healthcare is scary, even with insurance! But, it's worth it, and I am thankful to live in a place where this type of healthcare is available, even if it does nearly bankrupt me. (Thankfully, Kaiser takes payment plans!)
Overall, the news was very good today. It is a relief to be "out of the woods" on my left eye, and the laser treatment for my right eye, while probably costly, should prevent a detachment in my "good eye." There is still hope for a full recovery yet!
I cannot thank God enough for answering so many prayers, and I cannot thank my family and friends enough for bugging God with so many prayers about me. Today is a day of gratitude!
Happily, I can report that my "gut" was wrong this time! My doctor ordered an imaging procedure for both eyes to thoroughly evaluate and record my condition. He said my surgery eye looks very good, and he even said that he was "99.9%" sure that my retina will not detach from that eye again - yes, 99.9%! Wow! This is absolutely WONDERFUL news! Of course, I am left with a cataract for which the surgery to remove it would be considered "elective," but considering where I was two months ago, a cataract is nothing over which to fret!
Tempering the excellent news, of course, was the unexpected. My right eye, which I consider my "good eye," needs a little patch job (my words, not my surgeon's) for more lattice degeneration. Fortunately, this is a procedure that can be done in the clinic, so I will not need to be admitted to the hospital. I am also supposed to be able to go back to work the next day. Obviously, this is immeasurably easier than the vitrectomy I endured for my left eye, so I should be happy. If this treatment will prevent a detached retina in my right eye, of course that would be wonderful. I just had hoped not to need any procedures for my "good eye." However, I shall not be greedy. I shall dutifully report back in two weeks for the laser procedure, and I will follow any instructions given to me. I don't fool around with my vision.
So, my next steps are:
1. Laser treatment to right eye for lattice degeneration.
2. Meeting with cornea specialist about my cataract "options" for my left eye.
3. Figure out what all this will cost me through my high deductible insurance plan.
Sadly, it's the latter that troubles me the most. The cost of healthcare is scary, even with insurance! But, it's worth it, and I am thankful to live in a place where this type of healthcare is available, even if it does nearly bankrupt me. (Thankfully, Kaiser takes payment plans!)
Overall, the news was very good today. It is a relief to be "out of the woods" on my left eye, and the laser treatment for my right eye, while probably costly, should prevent a detachment in my "good eye." There is still hope for a full recovery yet!
I cannot thank God enough for answering so many prayers, and I cannot thank my family and friends enough for bugging God with so many prayers about me. Today is a day of gratitude!
Thursday, December 16, 2010
Depression and meeting expectations
I went back to work on Monday, and I made it through my first three days back. As Murphy's Law would have it, I developed a mild sore throat and the sniffles just in time for my return, so on top of the anxiety about my "weird eye" and how my limited vision would affect my ability to work, I was feeling the usual lethargy and grumpiness that most people I know experience when they have a cold. It was a bad emotional combination, and I did not have much energy or will to hide it.
Many people asked me how I was doing, and probably most of them were even genuinely interested. Still, I couldn't help but cringe every time I was asked. I know what they want to hear. They want to hear that I'm better and happy to be back, but the truth is I am only a little bit better and would rather be home where I can mope in peace with my dogs.
I can't seem to shake this depression. Absolutely nothing is as good as it used to be. Everything I do is harder now - or at least different. Nothing looks the same. Writing out Christmas cards was a challenge, but I sucked it up and got it done, despite my new, sloppier handwriting that accompanied this vision loss. Grocery shopping is embarrassing because I either have to wear my eye patch or endure the headaches of the overhead fluorescent lights, but I have to do it because we need food. I can't drive yet, so I am a constant passenger, beholden to the generosity (and I am sincerely appreciative of it!) and schedules of those who are willing to help me. Of course I am thankful to have the help, but I can't shake the bitterness that I need the help. I hate having to ask for a ride somewhere. I haven't had to ask for a ride since I was 15, before I had a driver's license. Now, I am dependent, and while no one wants to admit it, I am also a burden. I hate these feelings most of all.
I feel like I owe it to people to try to be cheerful. No one wants to be around someone who is down all the time. I just really don't know how to shake the constant fear and anger and disappointment I am feeling. I am still angry that all this is happening. I know it is nobody's fault that my extremely myopic eye finally gave out, but that doesn't matter because it still makes me angry. I am angry my optometrist did not catch any early warning signs in my fairly recent eye exam. I am angry I chose the Kaiser plan with a deductible because now the medical bills are starting to pile up. I am angry that my vision is still so impaired a whole month after my surgery. I am angry I had to have surgery in the first place! I just can't believe there was not a way to prevent this! If I could have seen a retinal specialist sooner, maybe this whole ordeal could have been avoided, but how was I to know I should seek the attention of a retinal ophthalmologist?
While easier said than done, the anger is something I know I really need to let go, but the fear is what grips me the most. I fear that my vision may never fully restore in my surgery eye. I fear that my surgery was not fully successful or that I suffer another retina detachment because I fear going through another 10 days with my face down. I fear my good eye will suffer the same retinal detachment. I fear going blind and becoming a permanent burden. These are not dramatic fears. These are real fears. Real people suffer in all these ways, and I know that I am fundamentally no better than they are. No one deserves to live this way, but it happens. What makes me immune? Sadly, nothing.
When I was younger, I never really understood suffering. I remember going to church with my parents, and the elderly folks would talk about "leaving this body behind." At the time, I could not imagine why one would want to, but now I understand how your body can become a burden. I am trying to remember that I am more than my body. I am more than my limitations. I want to be myself again - happy, funny, hopeful, and maybe just a bit naive. I want to not have to worry about something so simple as my sight, but I think I may never again have that luxury.
I have a follow up appointment with my surgeon tomorrow. I hope and pray for good news. I need to hear good news. Really, some good news is all I want for Christmas. I don't need fancy electronics or shiny things. I just need some reassurance that maybe things really will be OK again. I need some news that will calm some of my fears and extinguish this anger. As much as I need this, my family needs this because my family needs me to be me again. As emotional as this is and has been for me, I know it continues to take its toll on them. They share my fears, and I know they miss the less touchy, less mopey version of myself that I used to be before all this happened. For their sake, as much as mine, I am praying tonight for a good outcome.
Many people asked me how I was doing, and probably most of them were even genuinely interested. Still, I couldn't help but cringe every time I was asked. I know what they want to hear. They want to hear that I'm better and happy to be back, but the truth is I am only a little bit better and would rather be home where I can mope in peace with my dogs.
I can't seem to shake this depression. Absolutely nothing is as good as it used to be. Everything I do is harder now - or at least different. Nothing looks the same. Writing out Christmas cards was a challenge, but I sucked it up and got it done, despite my new, sloppier handwriting that accompanied this vision loss. Grocery shopping is embarrassing because I either have to wear my eye patch or endure the headaches of the overhead fluorescent lights, but I have to do it because we need food. I can't drive yet, so I am a constant passenger, beholden to the generosity (and I am sincerely appreciative of it!) and schedules of those who are willing to help me. Of course I am thankful to have the help, but I can't shake the bitterness that I need the help. I hate having to ask for a ride somewhere. I haven't had to ask for a ride since I was 15, before I had a driver's license. Now, I am dependent, and while no one wants to admit it, I am also a burden. I hate these feelings most of all.
I feel like I owe it to people to try to be cheerful. No one wants to be around someone who is down all the time. I just really don't know how to shake the constant fear and anger and disappointment I am feeling. I am still angry that all this is happening. I know it is nobody's fault that my extremely myopic eye finally gave out, but that doesn't matter because it still makes me angry. I am angry my optometrist did not catch any early warning signs in my fairly recent eye exam. I am angry I chose the Kaiser plan with a deductible because now the medical bills are starting to pile up. I am angry that my vision is still so impaired a whole month after my surgery. I am angry I had to have surgery in the first place! I just can't believe there was not a way to prevent this! If I could have seen a retinal specialist sooner, maybe this whole ordeal could have been avoided, but how was I to know I should seek the attention of a retinal ophthalmologist?
While easier said than done, the anger is something I know I really need to let go, but the fear is what grips me the most. I fear that my vision may never fully restore in my surgery eye. I fear that my surgery was not fully successful or that I suffer another retina detachment because I fear going through another 10 days with my face down. I fear my good eye will suffer the same retinal detachment. I fear going blind and becoming a permanent burden. These are not dramatic fears. These are real fears. Real people suffer in all these ways, and I know that I am fundamentally no better than they are. No one deserves to live this way, but it happens. What makes me immune? Sadly, nothing.
When I was younger, I never really understood suffering. I remember going to church with my parents, and the elderly folks would talk about "leaving this body behind." At the time, I could not imagine why one would want to, but now I understand how your body can become a burden. I am trying to remember that I am more than my body. I am more than my limitations. I want to be myself again - happy, funny, hopeful, and maybe just a bit naive. I want to not have to worry about something so simple as my sight, but I think I may never again have that luxury.
I have a follow up appointment with my surgeon tomorrow. I hope and pray for good news. I need to hear good news. Really, some good news is all I want for Christmas. I don't need fancy electronics or shiny things. I just need some reassurance that maybe things really will be OK again. I need some news that will calm some of my fears and extinguish this anger. As much as I need this, my family needs this because my family needs me to be me again. As emotional as this is and has been for me, I know it continues to take its toll on them. They share my fears, and I know they miss the less touchy, less mopey version of myself that I used to be before all this happened. For their sake, as much as mine, I am praying tonight for a good outcome.
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