Today is February 18, exactly 3 months since my surgery on November 18. I am home from work today (due to a furlough at City Hall, where I work as a city planner), and the dreary weather today looks just like it did when I was home during my long face-down recovery. In a strange way, it feels like no time has passed. Being home today, with the familiar chill in the air and the sound of the rain pouring through the downspouts, brings back a lot of insecurities. Most days lately, I prefer to dwell on how far I have come, how much my vision has improved, etc. Today, though, I can't help but indulge that unproductive worry that still nags me. Will I ever be the same? Will I ever fully recover?
In a prior post, I explored the "will to be 'normal,'" which is really just a way of accepting change by reframing what "normal" is. I can't see as well as I used to, but I get by. It is probably more healthy to dwell on the positive, to appreciate what I can see, what I can do. Still, some days, I can't help but long for pre-surgery normal.
I want to go back to seeing the world through both eyes. I have worn glasses and/or contacts since second grade, so I have always had a sense to appreciate my vision. The older I got, the stronger my prescriptions became. I knew my eyes were "bad" when they no longer made off-the-shelf, soft contact lenses in a power strong enough to correct me, so when I discovered custom gas permeable contact lenses, I appreciated them immensely. Contact lenses, whether soft or gas permeable, give you your peripheral vision back in a way that glasses just cannot. I have always appreciated them for that. Being able to see the world crisply is a blessing that I think I rarely took for granted, and now, I miss it deeply.
I think the growth of the cataract in my left eye is accelerating, but it's hard to measure. I try to ignore the haze and rely on my unobscured right eye to sort of make up the difference, and most of the time, that works for me. Today, I'm just really tired of it. I want my eyes to be normal again -- normal-normal, not "new normal." It seems like 3 months should be enough time to recover, but the reality is that my vision will get worse before it gets better. This cataract will have to grow before it is considered "medically necessary" (i.e. covered by insurance) to remove, and then I will have to accept the risk of side effects (e.g. another retina detachment) to have the cataract surgery. Hopefully then it will be over. Hopefully. Please. Seriously.
And the issues of vanity just won't disappear. I am thankful to be wearing eye make up again, but I worry my left pupil will never go back to normal. It seems permanently dilated now. It's probably 3 times the size of my right eye, and it never quite contracts in the sunlight. I hate how it looks in pictures, and I hate the idea of paying a professional photographer to capture it that way for our wedding photos and engagement shoot. I keep waiting, hoping, praying it will go back to normal, but as more time passes, I have a sinking feeling that it might not. I have read some people saw improvement in this condition over 6 months, so I guess I can give it another 3 months of waiting and hoping and praying. Right now though, I just feel defeated about it.
Why did this happen? Why do I deserve this? Why did I have to have this heinous surgery? Why did it have to take away from me the only feature on my face I ever thought was pretty? Why are grown-ups not allowed to exclaim, "It's not fair!?" It just isn't. Debatably, fairness applies to crime and punishment, but it does not apply to health, not always. People who smoke may get lung cancer, and that might be "fair." People who perform risky stunts sometimes fail and break bones, and that might be "fair." But what is fair about congenital heart defects or childhood leukemia? I know a retina detachment, by comparison, is hardly so dramatic. No one dies from partial blindness, but it absolutely impacts one's quality of life adversely. And nothing about it feels "fair." I am 30 years old, and I fear my vision is forever changed. It doesn't feel fair.
Maybe tomorrow I'll regain those positive "everything is going to be OK" feelings, but today I am wallowing in self-pity. I feel entitled to it once in a while, and a dreary winter day feels like just as good a time as any. Thanks for letting me indulge.
Friday, February 18, 2011
Thursday, February 17, 2011
And...exhale!
My last appointment with my retina surgeon was about 2.5 weeks ago, and I was thankful to learn that my surgeon was "99.9%" confident that my left retina would not detach again. This is a HUGE success for my vitrectomy and scleral buckle! Rather than breathe a full sigh of relief, however, I also learned that there was more lattice degeneration in my right eye which would require a laser treatment to reinforce the weak spots. Today was the dreaded (oh, and I really did dread it!) day of the laser treatment, and it turns out, the worst of it was my anxiety!
Last night, I was in tears, again. I'm a crybaby. I cry at movies, but I cry uncontrollably when I feel like my vision is vulnerable. Rationally, I understood the purpose of the laser treatment was to prevent a retina detachment in my right eye, but irrationally, I can't help but want to shield my "good eye" from any procedures. Sure, my left retina (surgery eye) is still attached, and my vision has mostly returned, except for the cloudiness of the cataract. Still, my left eye is not so useful on its own. I need my "good eye" (right eye) to keep seeing 20/20 (corrected, of course - without contacts or glasses, I can't see the lines in my own palm more than a foot away from my face). The idea of putting lasers in my good eye just paralyzed me last night. I stalled on going to bed and made myself sick with anxiety.
After sleeping on it, I felt better this morning, but the closer it got to my appointment time, the more the butterflies danced in my stomach. We were early for my appointment, and since the doctors were running behind, we were in the waiting room just over an hour. My anxiety was rising with every minute, so by the time the tech gave me the scary waiver to sign, acknowledging the procedure could result in some vision loss, I couldn't help but tear up. At least I didn't start sobbing like I did when I signed the waiver for my RD surgery for my left eye!
After more waiting, my surgeon finally came into the "Procedure Room." (Really, the sign said "Procedure Room," like that made me feel more at ease!) I am so thankful for Dr. Sharma's patient and calm demeanor. He explained what he was going to do, how it would feel, and how long it would take. I was still nervous, but I was empowered with knowledge. I said a quick prayer, asking for God to give me the strength to just sit still and not cry and trust that He would use my doctor to heal my eye. Though it was uncomfortable, it took less than 5 minutes. My vision was blurry but useful enough to send a quick text message to my fiancé to let him know it was all over. I was so thankful - thankful the procedure was done but even more thankful that my vision was useful so soon after. I go back in 3 months for a follow up appointment, but tonight, I feel like I can finally exhale. My left eye is "99.9%" strong, and with this laser treatment, my right eye should be just as strong. I am hopeful the worst is finally behind me.
After sleeping on it, I felt better this morning, but the closer it got to my appointment time, the more the butterflies danced in my stomach. We were early for my appointment, and since the doctors were running behind, we were in the waiting room just over an hour. My anxiety was rising with every minute, so by the time the tech gave me the scary waiver to sign, acknowledging the procedure could result in some vision loss, I couldn't help but tear up. At least I didn't start sobbing like I did when I signed the waiver for my RD surgery for my left eye!
After more waiting, my surgeon finally came into the "Procedure Room." (Really, the sign said "Procedure Room," like that made me feel more at ease!) I am so thankful for Dr. Sharma's patient and calm demeanor. He explained what he was going to do, how it would feel, and how long it would take. I was still nervous, but I was empowered with knowledge. I said a quick prayer, asking for God to give me the strength to just sit still and not cry and trust that He would use my doctor to heal my eye. Though it was uncomfortable, it took less than 5 minutes. My vision was blurry but useful enough to send a quick text message to my fiancé to let him know it was all over. I was so thankful - thankful the procedure was done but even more thankful that my vision was useful so soon after. I go back in 3 months for a follow up appointment, but tonight, I feel like I can finally exhale. My left eye is "99.9%" strong, and with this laser treatment, my right eye should be just as strong. I am hopeful the worst is finally behind me.
Saturday, February 5, 2011
Improve health in general --> Improve eye health
Since the beginning of the year, I have joined Weight Watchers (WW) and started exercising again. I am re-committed to getting healthy in 2011 and beyond, and now that a month has passed, I am feeling great! I can't give this whole eye situation all the credit, but it definitely has influenced my new healthy lifestyle. My other motivation is, of course, my upcoming wedding in October. The whole white dress tradition can be rather unflattering for super chubby brides, and because I have already admitted how vain I am, I feel no shame in sharing that I refuse to feel apologetically and shamefully fat on my wedding day.
I have been working really hard, tracking everything I eat, tallying the WW points, working out at home or at the gym, and just generally trying to take care of myself. The results are already showing. I have dropped almost 15 pounds and a whole pants size. I feel in control again. My mood is better - generally happier and more hopeful.
Originally, I began this blog about my journey back to eye health, but it seems appropriate to me to expand that purpose. Through this experience, I have realized that good health is one of the most fundamentals contributors to one's quality of life. I know it is not an original epiphany, but health is the kind of thing you take for granted when you are young and healthy. Then, health erodes, little by little over time, at a rate so slow you don't notice it happening until something big happens - for me, something like a detached retina.
I will never really know the cause of my detached retina. I could probably just leave the blame with my high myopia, but the more I read, the more I think my own negligence may have had a hand in it. I have not been diagnosed with diabetes, but it runs in my family, and at my weight, I am especially at risk. In addition, I have a condition called Polycystic Ovarian Syndrome (PCOS). PCOS is a complicated syndrome, and it affects each woman who has it differently. For me, and many others, it has resulted in a type of insulin resistance that looks a lot like diabetes. In November, I even began taking Metformin to help regulate my blood sugar. I had fasting lab work done this week, and my fasting glucose levels were high - not full-on diabetic range but probably in the pre-diabetes range. I am at a crossroads - do nothing and accept an inevitable diabetes diagnosis OR fight like hell to lose this weight and reclaim control of my health and my body. I am choosing the latter.
Diabetes is terrifying to me for a lot of reasons. I am a foodie and a baker, and giving up sweet indulgences makes me sad. (Of course, I know the key is moderation, but diabetics are forced to redefine moderation as it relates to sweets.) Beyond the food restrictions, I have learned about diabetic retinopathy, and I wanted to post about it here.
According to the American Optometric Association (AOA):
I have been working really hard, tracking everything I eat, tallying the WW points, working out at home or at the gym, and just generally trying to take care of myself. The results are already showing. I have dropped almost 15 pounds and a whole pants size. I feel in control again. My mood is better - generally happier and more hopeful.
Originally, I began this blog about my journey back to eye health, but it seems appropriate to me to expand that purpose. Through this experience, I have realized that good health is one of the most fundamentals contributors to one's quality of life. I know it is not an original epiphany, but health is the kind of thing you take for granted when you are young and healthy. Then, health erodes, little by little over time, at a rate so slow you don't notice it happening until something big happens - for me, something like a detached retina.
I will never really know the cause of my detached retina. I could probably just leave the blame with my high myopia, but the more I read, the more I think my own negligence may have had a hand in it. I have not been diagnosed with diabetes, but it runs in my family, and at my weight, I am especially at risk. In addition, I have a condition called Polycystic Ovarian Syndrome (PCOS). PCOS is a complicated syndrome, and it affects each woman who has it differently. For me, and many others, it has resulted in a type of insulin resistance that looks a lot like diabetes. In November, I even began taking Metformin to help regulate my blood sugar. I had fasting lab work done this week, and my fasting glucose levels were high - not full-on diabetic range but probably in the pre-diabetes range. I am at a crossroads - do nothing and accept an inevitable diabetes diagnosis OR fight like hell to lose this weight and reclaim control of my health and my body. I am choosing the latter.
Diabetes is terrifying to me for a lot of reasons. I am a foodie and a baker, and giving up sweet indulgences makes me sad. (Of course, I know the key is moderation, but diabetics are forced to redefine moderation as it relates to sweets.) Beyond the food restrictions, I have learned about diabetic retinopathy, and I wanted to post about it here.
According to the American Optometric Association (AOA):
Diabetic retinopathy is a condition occurring in persons with diabetes, which causes progressive damage to the retina, the light sensitive lining at the back of the eye. It is a serious sight-threatening complication of diabetes.
Diabetes is a disease that interferes with the body's ability to use and store sugar, which can cause many health problems. Too much sugar in the blood can cause damage throughout the body, including the eyes. Over time, diabetes affects the circulatory system of the retina.
Diabetic retinopathy is the result of damage to the tiny blood vessels that nourish the retina. They leak blood and other fluids that cause swelling of retinal tissue and clouding of vision. The condition usually affects both eyes. The longer a person has diabetes, the more likely they will develop diabetic retinopathy. If left untreated, diabetic retinopathy can cause blindness.
Source: http://www.aoa.org/diabetic-retinopathy.xmlOf course, I already knew diabetes is bad, but I did not know how it could affect eye health. Knowledge is power, and for me, knowledge is serving as another motivational tool to keep me on track with my diet and exercise routine. Losing weight is not just about vanity anymore. It is about returning my body to good health, avoiding diabetes, and by extension, maintaining retina health. The human body is an amazing machine with so many systems interrelated. If you value your vision and eye health, you should do what you can to make your whole self healthy. I wish I had this much perspective throughout my twenties, but better now than never.
Tuesday, February 1, 2011
Good news about billing!
As with most things in my life, my healthcare decisions cannot be approached as though money is no object. With regard to my doctor's recommendation yesterday to schedule more laser treatment for the lattice degeneration in my right eye, one of my first reactions was, "Well, how much is this gonna cost me?" That is, by no means, meant to be disrespectful to my doctor for his recommendation. Rather, it is a very practical question, considering I have a rather daunting balance due to Kaiser for the successful victrectomy and scleral buckle surgery that was performed on my left eye to correct the retinal detachment.
Not wanting to wreck the good news from yesterday, I waited until today to inquire about the cost of the laser treatment for my right eye. I am very pleased to report that my cost for this procedure will only be a simple co-pay! (Granted, my co-pays are pretty pricey at $40 per visit.) Since this is an outpatient procedure that can be done within a normal office visit, I will incur no additional costs beyond my ordinary co-pay. This is surprising but wonderful news!
It is troubling to me how my earliest reactions to this lattice degeneration were so heavily influenced by financial concerns, rather than healthcare concerns. Our bodies do not understand cash flow or debt, and they demand care, without regard to financial considerations. I am thankful Kaiser understands this and is allowing me to repay my surgery debt over time. It would be extra outstanding if my future care would not put me further into debt. However, with that said, precious sight is almost priceless, and I admit I am tightly wrapped around the proverbial finger of my very demanding eyes. While money is very much "an object" in my life, I cannot let it wholly influence my healthcare decisions. Fortunately, this time I do not have to worry about it at all. This is a great relief - and a great blessing!
Not wanting to wreck the good news from yesterday, I waited until today to inquire about the cost of the laser treatment for my right eye. I am very pleased to report that my cost for this procedure will only be a simple co-pay! (Granted, my co-pays are pretty pricey at $40 per visit.) Since this is an outpatient procedure that can be done within a normal office visit, I will incur no additional costs beyond my ordinary co-pay. This is surprising but wonderful news!
It is troubling to me how my earliest reactions to this lattice degeneration were so heavily influenced by financial concerns, rather than healthcare concerns. Our bodies do not understand cash flow or debt, and they demand care, without regard to financial considerations. I am thankful Kaiser understands this and is allowing me to repay my surgery debt over time. It would be extra outstanding if my future care would not put me further into debt. However, with that said, precious sight is almost priceless, and I admit I am tightly wrapped around the proverbial finger of my very demanding eyes. While money is very much "an object" in my life, I cannot let it wholly influence my healthcare decisions. Fortunately, this time I do not have to worry about it at all. This is a great relief - and a great blessing!
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