I just called my doctor's office to request a work release letter. Since this is my third week after surgery, I think I should be able to return to work on Monday, but of course, I will wait to hear back from my doctor to confirm this.
Meanwhile, I am sorting through the anxiety of returning to my normal work life. I expect everyone will be very welcoming, and I am looking forward to seeing my work friends again. I even miss the actual work. It's hard to feel very productive at home, especially as I respect the doctor's orders to "take it easy." I miss feeling accomplished. I miss feeling "normal."
I am a city planner, which is mostly a desk job. I read a lot, especially the zoning code and other such regulatory documents. I review site plans and building plans. I spend a lot of time on my computer writing reports. I feel fairly confident that I will be able to resume these duties. I worry a bit about headaches and the trouble I may have seeing well with only one eye. As my surgery eye improves and the gas bubble shrinks, I am gaining sight in my left eye, which sounds like it would be a good thing. Of course, in the long run, it is, but in the short term, I can tell it will cause headaches. I am not a doctor, but I know that having a wide difference between visual acuity in the eyes can cause strain.
Even over the past few days, I have noticed that television watching is causing mild headaches, and I am becoming sensitive to light. That is not to say that I prefer a perfectly dark or perfectly bright room, but depending on where the lamp or other light source is located, it can cause strange reflections off the gas bubble and give objects a strange halo. Actually, I am not sure I am describing this experience well, but suffice it to say that the gas bubble continues to trouble me and I worry how I will do adjusting to my work environment.
However, my anxiety about what I look like is probably at least as high as my anxiety about visual performance and headaches. Perhaps I should be embarrassed to be so vain, but I am a 30-year-old woman. While I am no pageant queen, beauty is important to me. I miss wearing makeup, and the idea of going back to work without mascara just feeds my insecurity.
Then again, would I really want to wear eye makeup and draw attention to my mismatched eyes? I wonder how long it will take for my pupils to match again, or worse, maybe they never will!? My surgery eye is dilated almost triple the size of my non-surgery eye. At least the the white part of my surgery eye is turning white again. The extreme redness was totally disgusting!
I am so insecure about what my eye looks like that I avoid eye contact. This is a problem at work because I also meet with the public a lot. Before my surgery, I prided myself on my communication style. I like to think my sincere eye contact has helped people feel more comfortable when talking to me about how zoning, etc. affects their livelihoods. This anxiety compromises that for me. I have thought of wearing an eye patch or sunglasses, but like the makeup, that only draws attention.
I'm not really sure what to do about this vanity anxiety. I guess I just have to put one foot in front of the other, go back to work, and let people react. It doesn't seem like there is much else I can do. I certainly can't afford to stay home from work for six months or something to fully heal. It is time to try to restore some normalcy in my life.
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