Chronology: Diagnosis to Now

My life changed on November 17, 2010, when I was diagnosed with a retinal detachment in my left eye. These days since are already beginning to haze together in my memory, but I am taking this opportunity to record my experience as best as I can recall it.

Wednesday 11/17/2010 - Day of Diagnosis

I had my first appointment with an ophthalmologist. I knew there was something wrong with my left eye. Despite my brand new contact lenses, my left eye was not as crisp as it used to be. My vision was dimmer in my left eye than my right. Contrast was less discernible. The final straw warning was the loss of peripheral vision. I could no longer see over my nose with my left eye, and if I looked to the right (toward my nose), I noticed this sort of crescent shaped dark spot. Most resources on retinal detachment call it a "flash" or a "dark curtain." Whatever it should be called, I knew it was bad.

I must have been somewhat in denial about how bad it was because I thought my appointment would still be somewhat routine. You know, maybe they would show me some charts, put me through a few tests, and figure something out. I suppose all of that did happen, but I did not expect to be told I had a detached retina. When the first doctor, who was a corneal specialist, told me, "I am so (emphasis on the 'so') glad you came in today," I knew it was serious. She referred me down the hall to her colleague, Dr. Sharma, who is a retinal specialist.

Dr. Sharma asked if I had anyone with me that day. Of course, I did not, since I did not expect this diagnosis. He insisted I call someone to come hear about the treatment I would be facing. I reluctantly called my fiancé and my mom. I hated having to interrupt their days with such jarring news: I have a detached retina and will need emergency surgery to reattach it.

My surgery would include a scleral buckle and vitrectomy. I took a pamphlet titled, "Detached and Torn Retina: A Closer Look," and I was horrified by the surgical descriptions:

• Scleral Buckle - This treatment involves placing a flexible band (scleral buckle) around the eye to counteract the force pulling the retina out of place. The ophthalmologist often drains the fluid under the detached retina, allowing the retina to settle back into its normal position against the back wall of the eye. This procedure is performed in an operating room.

• Vitrectomy - This surgery is performed in an operating room. The viterous gel, which is pulling on the retina, is removed from the eye and usually replaced with a gas bubble. Your body's own fluids will gradually replace the gas bubble. Sometimes vitrectomy is combined with a scleral buckle.

The thought of having surgery was scary enough, but the explanation of recovery was probably what terrified me most. In short, my doctor order me 10 days of face down recovery time for a minimum of 20 hours per day. 10 DAYS?? For a minimum of 20 HOURS PER DAY??? Is that even possible? No way, I thought! Denial hit me like a ton of bricks when he told me this.

I had an important meeting to attend that evening and a public a presentation to give two days later. It was Wednesday, in the middle of a very busy work week. I had deadlines and staff reports to write. I couldn't have surgery the next day, and I certainly couldn't take 10 days off to lay face down. But I didn't have a choice. Retinal detachments are EMERGENCIES, and you can't reschedule emergencies.

I left the doctor's office reeling. It seemed I had a bottomless well of tears that day. I had to call my work, my HR department, the company that rents "face down" equipment (like massage tables, etc.), my parents for an update, my insurance company about deductibles. It was a busy day of tying up loose ends because I knew I would not be able to do anything for at least 10 days, and I was told I would likely not be able to see much with my left eye until the gas bubble subsides, which can take 2-3 months.

Before I went to sleep that night, I prayed. I prayed with my fiancé. I prayed by myself. I prayed a lot. I fell asleep in my fiancé's arms, for the last time before my mandatory 10 days of face down recovery. I knew I would miss our bedroom, which is upstairs, and our king size bed, and more than all of that, the feeling of my fiancé beside me at night. I tried to appreciate that last night with him in our bed because I knew it would be some time before I could feel that way again.

Thursday 11/18/2010 - Day of Surgery

We had to be at the Kaiser Hospital in Roseville at 5:30am, so we had to wake up at 4:30am. I cried before I even got out of bed. I cried in the shower. I cried in the car on the way to the hospital. I cried in the waiting area before I was even admitted. I couldn't believe it was all happening. I was terrified - terrified of all the surgical complications I had to acknowledge on the consent waiver, terrified of not being able to see out of my left eye, terrified of the pain for which I was prescribed vicodin, and terrified of the next 10 face down days. I cried on my mom, dad, and fiancé. I cried in front of the nurses and the anesthesiologist and my surgeon. My tears were involuntary, and it seemed I could not stop them.

Thank God for general anesthesia because I can't imagine being awake for this procedure! I don't remember going under. I remember hugging my dad and my fiancé, and then I remember waking up face down in the recovery area. I was groggy and hot and flailing my arms trying to get the covers off. The nurses brought me an ice pack for the back of my neck, and I began to calm down. I sat face down in the wheelchair as they wheeled me to the curb. As an outpatient surgery, I got to go home that day. In fact, I think it was around 12:30pm when I left.

My left eye was bandaged, so obviously I could see nothing with it. My right eye, which received a lattice treatment for retinal weak spots, was more blurry than usual. I had been warned of this but also told that my right eye should return to normal within a few hours. Thankfully, it did!

I spent the rest of the evening sitting in a rented massage chair. Imagine the kiosks in the mall where you can buy a shoulder rub. That's the kind of chair I had rented. It was like a kneeling chair with a u-shaped face rest. It was both comfortable and uncomfortable at the same time, but I was thankful to have it.

That night, I slept in the guest room downstairs. We also rented a massage pillow designed to place on top of a regular bed. I am convinced it was contoured to a man's body with another u-shaped face rest to facilitate face down sleeping. The guest bed is queen sized, but my fiancé and I tried sleeping side by side on that bed that first night. Space was tight. I was terribly uncomfortable and woke up a few times in the night. We decided to sleep separately for the remaining nights face down nights.

Friday 11/19/2010 - Day 1 Post Surgery

Getting a good night's sleep seemed impossible on that face down pillow, though I couldn't imagine how much worse it would be without that miserable pillow. I woke up with terrible lower back pain. My spine just is not used to being compressed like it is when one lies on one's stomach. When I got out of bed, I shuffled to my massage chair, which helped me stretch out my spine.

Because my fiancé had to return to work that day, my parents came to help me. They brought me food and water and refills and helped me find paperwork and prescriptions and everything I needed. I am so thankful for my parents and my fiancé for their selfless offers to help me, but it was humbling. (It is still humbling.)

My mom drove me to my first post-op appointment with my surgeon. Shuffling from her truck to the building was a lot of work. I had to keep my head down, so all I could see was my feet. With impaired depth perception, I wobbled a lot. I had to hold my mom's arm to stay steady. We shuffled into the building, then across the enormous lobby, then down what felt like the longest hallway of all times. My neck was on fire from dangling my head all that way without support.

Fortunately, I didn't have to wait long to be seen. The nurse (I guess - technically, I'm not sure what her title is) removed my bandage, cleaned up the "gunk" around my eye, and administered some drops. My eye pressure was slightly high, which is not usual so soon after surgery, so I was given some extra eye drops to use at home. In all, I had five kinds of drops to use. My surgeon, Dr. Sharma, seemed satisfied with my condition but asked me to return on Monday just have my eye pressure checked again. My mom and I shuffled our way back to the truck where I sat face down the entire ride home.

That evening my friend Michael stopped by, and he brought a tiramisu from my favorite bakery. I didn't have much of an appetite, but I really appreciated the thought. My dad probably split an entire pot of coffee with Michael before he left. Meanwhile, I sat in my massage chair, face down, unable to really engage much in the conversations. I was really beginning to resent that chair!

That night I slept alone in the guest room so I would have room to lay my arms out beside me. I missed my fiancé terribly, but I think it helped both of us sleep better to have some extra room.

Saturday 11/20/2010 - Day 2 Post Surgery

My fiancé had to work (because he had taken two weekdays off to be with me on the days of my diagnosis and surgery) on Saturday, so my parents came to my home again to help me. It was a pretty uneventful day, as I recall. My neck hurt. My back hurt. I was emotional but resolved to keep my head down, as I knew it was the most important way to keep that gas bubble in the right place to do its job.

Sunday 11/21/2010 - Day 3 Post Surgery

My parents got the day off because my fiancé was home with me all day. Again, it was a pretty uneventful day. By then, I believe I was able to watch a little TV. With the massage chair and sleeping pad, I rented an angled mirror that reflected the TV image up through the hole of the massage chair. It was nice to be able to see some of the Bridezillas marathon I had been listening to. It wasn't particularly comfortable though because I had to wear my glasses for my right eye to see the mirror well, and because my face was pressed against the massage chair face rest, the nose rests on my glasses pressed pretty deeply into my face. Still, it was nice to be able to see something besides my feet or the carpet.

I also remember noting that I could see my foot with my surgery eye this day. It was fuzzy, and I could only tell it was my foot by the blue sock I was wearing. Still, it felt like big progress to be able to see it at all.

My friend Chelsea stopped by to visit and drop off her spare iPod full of audiobooks. Audiobooks are a very helpful coping tool for face down recovery! If you find yourself or someone you know faced with these doctors orders, I highly recommend audiobooks. You can rent them for free at the public libraries.

Monday 11/22/2010 - Day 4 Post Surgery

My fiancé went to work, so my mom came to my house to keep me company and take me to my follow up appointment. It was every bit as difficult to get from the truck to the doctor's office. I felt wobbly, and my neck was burning so much that I had to rest once on the way to put my head in my hands. Fortunately, my eye pressure reduced to normal, and I was able to discontinue two of the five eye drops I had been using. This was a small victory.

The rest of my day was about the same as the others - sitting with my face down, dreading the night. Sleeping apart from my fiancé was terribly hard on my heart, but I was so thankful to him for rubbing my shoulders and showing me affection while I sat in that massage chair. That massage chair made me feel sad and isolated, even though my parents or my fiancé were rarely more than a few feet away from me. I came to really understand how important eye contact is to connecting with others.

Tuesday 11/23/2010 - Day 5 Post Surgery

I was almost half way through the face down time, and I was really struggling with endurance. I was starting to feel a bit stir crazy in the house and especially in the chair. Time seemed to pass soooo sloooowly.

My friend Kathy came over with her microwavable neck wrap. The heat really soothed my muscles, and it was probably one of the best luxuries I had with my face down.

Wednesday 11/24/2010 - Day 6 Post Surgery

My original plan for this day before Thanksgiving was to take the day off from work and make pies. I guess I followed through on half of that plan - the staying home half. It was sad for me to have to skip Thanksgiving food prep because Thanksgiving is, by far, my favorite holiday, and I usually do most of the cooking for my family. I had been looking forward to this Thanksgiving so much because it was my first one since graduating from college. In all years prior, Thanksgiving had been sort of fit in around all the papers I had to write. This was supposed to be the year where I could make the cornbread one day and turn it into cornbread stuffing the next. I wanted to make everything from scratch. It was extremely disappointing to not be able to realize that vision.

Instead, my mom took me to another follow up appointment with Dr. Sharma. It seemed everything was on track, and my next appointment is scheduled for December 16. This seems like a good sign, and I am thankful for it. I spent the rest of the day in the chair and the night sleeping face down.

Thursday 11/25/2010 - Day 7 Post Surgery and Thanksgiving

Again, Thanksgiving is my favorite holiday, and it was hard for me give up the cooking reigns to my mom and fiancé. Still, I appreciated them jumping in to give me (and each other) a "normal" Thanksgiving meal. We had turkey and stuffing and cranberry sauce and mashed potatoes and all the essentials, but that store bought pie hurt my soul and my palette. It was nice to sit at the dining room table for dinner, but I kept my head mostly down. As soon as I was finished eating, I returned to my chair. Despite my face down limitations, I was sure to count my blessings that Thanksgiving day. Top of the list were my parents and my fiancé for being so incredibly patient and supportive. Without them, I have no idea how I would have gotten through this surgery and recovery.

Friday 11/26/2010 - Day 8 Post Surgery and Black Friday

I know I watch (and listen to, these days) too much TV, but the Black Friday commercials were killing me! In years past, my mom and I have gotten up early and did all our Christmas shopping on Black Friday, but it just was absolutely not an option this year. Besides, I only had 2.5 days of PTO (paid time off) accrued at the time of diagnosis. I had burned through that before the first week was up, so I have been on state disability ever since.

State disability pays 55% of your salary, and they make you take an entire week off unpaid before they will pay you anything at all. It is absolutely the worst time of year to take such a drastic pay cut, but I suppose 55% is better than 0%. Still, it puts a damper on the Christmas merriment when you can't afford to buy gifts.

I remember being pretty angry on this day. Why did this happen to me? Why did it happen now? This isn't fair! Etc. Those are not the gracious emotions you wish you could tell people you had, but they are real. I fight with them still, but on this day, I was really angry to be stuck in that chair!

Saturday 11/27/2010 - Day 9 Post Surgery

My fiancé had five days off in row - Thanksgiving Thursday through the following Monday. It was wonderful to have him home! He would stoop down kiss me so I wouldn't have to lift my face. He would hug me from behind so I wouldn't have to move from my chair. I was (and still am) so, so, so thankful for him. Again, it's easy to feel lonely and isolated when you can't look anyone in the eye, but my fiancé went far out of his way to connect with me in ways that wouldn't compromise my necessary positioning. I assume a trauma like this could put a strain on a couple, but I feel it brought us closer together. I can't say I am thankful for the retinal detachment, but I am thankful to be assured that our relationship is strong enough to endure this. These last days of face down time were especially difficult because I was beginning to feel a bit more energetic, but I was not able to do much but sit with my face down. My fiancé really helped prevent me from going entirely stir crazy.

Sunday 11/28/2010 - Day 10 Post Surgery

By my calculations, this should have been the day I could lift my head, but since Dr. Sharma would not count the surgery day as one of my "10 days," I had to endure this Sunday with my head down. I did, though I probably kept my head down only the minimum 20 hours on this day. The rest of my days, I tried to keep my head down as much as possible, and I think there were several days where my head was down closer to 23 hours. This was my last night sleeping downstairs on that wretched purple massage cushion.

Monday 11/29/2010 - Day 11 Post Surgery and "Heads Up" Day!

I woke up early on Monday, as I had every single morning I had to sleep face down, because my body, namely my back, could not take any more time of me laying on my stomach. My head naturally wanted to stay down, but I let it rise.

It was actually a bit scary to lift my head and let it stay up. I worried about the gas bubble moving. If 10 days were good, would 11 days (or 12 or 20) be better? Of course, I followed my doctors orders and let my head come up anyway, despite my perhaps irrational fears. My neck hurt a big to hold my head up, ironically. It was as if my neck had gotten used to letting my head dangle down. It didn't take long, however, for my neck muscles to remember how to hold my head up.

Walking, on the other hand, was strange. I must have looked like a baby giraffe. I teetered and moved awkwardly. Without good vision in my left eye, I was prone to literally run into walls, especially turning left around the hallway. My brain is starting to adjust, I think, but that first head up day was humbling. I had looked forward to this day since my surgery, but I knew I was no where near "healed." It was humbling to realize how much more healing I had (have) left to do.

Fortunately, it was a sunny day, a break in the rainy weather, and my fiancé took me for a short drive. We visited a potential wedding venue that I had found online a few days before my surgery. It was gorgeous, and it remains on our short list of potential venues.

While I can't wait to marry Ernie, my fiancé, I am tempted now more than ever to skip the wedding planning and just elope. This is, in part, because this surgery has reminded us how fragile life is and how committed we are to one another, but I have to admit issues of vanity are also influencing me now. I wonder if my eye will ever look "normal" again. My eyelids were still very swollen on this day, and my eye ball was still very red. The pupil on my surgery eye was bigger than my non surgery eye. It was (and still is) quite disconcerting.

I hate to sound vain, but my eyes have always been my best facial feature. Even Ernie has told me that my eyes helped hook him on our first date. I don't wear much make up, but I have always worn eye liner and mascara to highlight them. They are the feature that has made me most confident in my appearance, and now, I am uncomfortable looking strangers in the eye. I don't want them to see how odd my eyes look. Regarding wedding planning, I just can't imagine hiring a professional photographer to capture my eyes in this condition. I am scared I will never look the same again, even if I can see well.

I tried to swallow those emotions because we had invited my parents to come to our house and help up get our Christmas tree up. I would have preferred to get the tree up the day after Thanksgiving, so we postponed it to the first possible day I could lift my head. It was wonderful to participate in something so "normal," even though I had to take it easy.

It was an emotional day, as most have been since my surgery. I was thankful to lift my head, thankful to leave the house, thankful to find a potential wedding venue, and thankful to bring some Christmas cheer into our home. However, my concerns about vanity really began to surface.

That night, I slept upstairs, in our king size bed, wrapped in my fiancé's arms. It was scary to lay down because I could feel and see the gas bubble shift, but my back was so much more comfortable. It was the best night's sleep I had in a week and a half.

Tuesday 11/30/2010 - Day 12 Post Surgery

Ernie returned to work on this day, and my mom came over to take me out of the house to do a little shopping. It certainly wasn't "power shopping," but we went to Marshall's, Walgreens, and Wal-Mart. We also returned the rented massage chair and cushion, and I was not at all sad to see those things go! We walked slow because my coordination was still not very good. I did my best to look no one in the eye, and I toyed around with wearing sunglasses indoors. Still, it was nice to get out of the house for a few of hours. It was my most normal feeling day yet.

Wednesday 12/1/2010 - Day 13 Post Surgery

This was my first day home alone since my surgery. Ernie went to work. My parents stayed home (or at least didn't come to my house). While I have deeply appreciated my parents and my fiancé being at my side, I also deeply appreciated this day of solitude. I watched a lot of bad TV, napped, and tried to feel a bit autonomous. I even started doing my eye drops by myself. It was actually a pretty good day.

Thursday 12/2/2010 - Day 14 Post Surgery

This day was about the same as the last - bad TV and naps. Not too shabby.

Friday 12/3/2010 - Day 15 Post Surgery

I was starting to get stir crazy all cooped up in the house, so I took the dogs for a short walk. It was the first day I left my house unaccompanied by my mom or Ernie. I felt equal parts vulnerable (from lack of peripheral vision and normal depth perception) and empowered (to have regained a small amount of independence). It was a step toward progress, for sure!

Saturday 12/4/2010 - Day 16 Post Surgery

Ernie had to work, so I stayed home alone again. This day it was raining (or threatening rain), so I did not feel confident leaving the house to walk the dogs. The stir craziness was starting to set in.

Sunday 12/5/2010 - Day 17 Post Surgery

Ernie and I got out of the house yesterday and took my car in for maintenance. It was nice to get out of the house, but it's still really hard for me to want to look anyone in the eye. I feel mostly normal, except for not being able to see, but I know I still don't look normal. Even dealing with the auto service guy made me feel bashful, but we took care of business.

Afterward, we went out to dinner. It was my first restaurant meal since before surgery. I was sure to position my surgery eye closest to the wall and my good eye closest to the aisle where the waiter would approach. This was probably a futile effort. It was nice to be out, but I think it will take a while for me to overcome my insecurities about what my surgery eye looks like.

Monday 12/6/2010 - Day 18 Post Surgery and TODAY!

Wow, I can't believe how long I have spent setting up this blog and recounting my experience so far! It feels productive to chronicle these things. I wish I had started sooner! Now, it is time to get off the computer and let my poor eyes (both of them) rest. Too much computer time is a strain on anyone's eyes!